Naked

I had the naked at school dream. I left my house in a towel with my hair wet. I got on the train to work (naturally), and people glanced at me like, "What's that girl doing in a towel?" I knew I was in a towel, and I was aware that this was not normal, but still I continued. 

When the train arrived, I emerged from the underground station into a bustling metropolis. People in suits with cell phone hands and briefcases squeezed by each other, pushed by morning inertia. 

I walked up the vast steps to my school: a tall, dark glass building with revolving doors. The bellhop greeted me at his podium. When I saw him, I knew this wasn't right. No, I would not be going into my classroom in a towel. I told him, "I won't be coming in today" and simply turned and walked the other way. I glanced over my shoulder as I was leaving, and I saw him mouthing wide-eyed to another person, "She's been teaching a long time." 

I came into this experience utterly unprepared. I could have never been prepared. I found myself supremely vulnerable. Each day in my classroom was a battle, and if there were victories, they were just decorative feathers stuck to the thick tar of my defeats. 

I didn't want to tell my students anything about myself. My age, my family, my history, my music, my interests--I couldn't let my students see those parts of me that were not their teacher. They could cut Mrs. Gray The Teacher, but that's where their gaze would end. I clutched my towel desperately close to my body. And still I'd lose it on a daily basis. The tighter I grasped the towel, the clumsier my fingers, and there I stood naked again. Naked in a room full of twelve year-olds. 

I eat lunch with my honors class this year, which is a predominantly female group. I sit by and listen to them talk about their boyfrands and allude to their crushes. "Mama says it don't hurt to look; it only hurt to touch." I see them strategically point to their noses, hint hint about inside jokes, and use code words like "mayonnaise" and "monkey" for certain people. 

They ask me questions that maybe I shouldn't answer. How old are you? Do you want to have kids? How many? Do you know who I like? How long have you been married? How old is your husband? Are you pregnant? M shares her Star Crunch with me, and I let them sample my Insanity (hot) Sauce, which they coined "Suicidal Sauce." I let down my guard. 

Sometimes I worry that I'm too friendly with my students this year--too forthcoming with details about my life, too silly as I stretch with them in the hallway during bathroom breaks or require them to make an animal noise before they leave my classroom. Am I doing them a disservice? Should I tell them it's rude to ask those questions to an adult and just leave it at that? Should I direct their conversations away from the topic of boys? Should I encourage only professional behavior in my classroom? 

I still feel unprepared every day to teach my students what they need to know by the time they leave sixth grade. I won't get through the whole curriculum. That's a certainty. I have no idea how to teach writing. I walk a fine line of competence and unnoticed failure in most aspects of my job. I've accepted those truths. 

If there's anything I want to accomplish in the rest of my time in Teacher Corps, it is to enjoy the time with my students. No, it's not a well-defined goal, and it won't be formally assessed. I simply want to enjoy them and love them and teach them all those lessons I've been storing in my mental shoebox on the good days when I stay after school dreaming up writing lessons. I want to facilitate as many magical writing experiences for my students as possible. I want them to love the heck out of writing. I want to remember why I came here. 

I may never teach again after May. The Naked in Front of the Class feeling is already history. The next nine weeks in my teaching career should go in the books with skinny-dipping on a Grecian beach and dancing naked with my bridesmaids around a bonfire in the woods one Mississippi July. This is my last hurrah.  If this girl's naked in class, she's going to be streaking.